There Are Two Of Me
There are two of me. One is Too Much and one is Not Enough. No, I am not having mental health issues with a sudden onset of personality disorders. I think what I feel sometimes is what most of us feel from time to time.
One of me is Too Much. Way to much. I am overbearing. I get pushy and demanding. This type A kicks into overdrive and scares people. I leave meetings thinking of all the people I cut off, all of my opinions I shoved down people's throats, and stayed an irritatingly intense level all day. I really don't like Too Much me. I lay in bed thinking of all the ways Too Much Elizabeth freaked people out. I feel the lie roll into my head telling me that no one can handle me or wants me around. I am simply, too much.
Then there is Not Enough Elizabeth. I sit silently in a conversation listening without giving any input. I don't say what comes into my head. If I do offer a thought it is with an awkward apology or a note of insecurity. I don't get in the game or even the sidelines. I sit in the nose bleed section. When I lay in bed I think of all the things I never said, all the ideas I kept inside and the generally boring vibe I gave off. I feel this lie creeping in that no one sees value in me. I am simply, not enough.
It drives me nuts. I feel torn between these two broken versions of myself - one crippled with pride, the other crippled with insecurity. I swing back and forth hoping to land in the middle, but missing it more days than I would like.
Some of you swing back & forth between anger & passivity, being an dictator & not leading at all, full of vision & lacking any focus, disciplined & easily swayed. Maybe you go between being completely unfeeling and having emotions that could win an Oscar. We all have our 'too much' and 'too little'.
I can think of funny examples that are entertaining on paper, but truth of the matter is it feels crippling. Frustration builds and I just feel stuck. Thankfully Paul felt the same way. See if his emotion rings a bell with you.