An Uncomfortable Future

This Uncomfortable January post is hard to admit for a dreamer like me.

The future scares me. 

I never quite realized this until recently. I always thought of myself as one who looks at the future with unmistakable opportunity. Anything could happen at any moment. The possibility of what could be has always inspired and motivated me. You know, Carpe Diem and Dead Poet Society kind of stuff.

Over the past few months I have found myself hesitant to dream too far into the future. I avoid it. Why?

Why has dreaming  into the future become uncomfortable?

Sure, there are times I can freak myself out thinking about all the horrible and tragic things that can happen in life. Those thoughts of the future can scare each of us. But, that isn't what I've noticed. I seem to be able to trust that God can manage those things.

It is more of a subtle discomfort. A creeping, nagging shadow of doubt. Just enough to rob my joy and cause my creativity to lag.

I doubt that God can do it all. That is why it makes me uncomfortable.

I doubt that God can weave all the ambitions and dreams of my heart into a perfect story. I want to go to grad school, listen to first-hand accounts of women's' stories around the world, live in fantastic cities, write, speak, travel , shape political systems, open a store with my husband, be a great mom, gain influence, see churches planted in Europe, mobilize a movement of people to fight injustice... How can God fit all that into one life?

I don't see things happening the way I would like so I begin to plot how on earth to fit all these things into one lifetime. I cram and scheme. I run hard trying to prevent any time from being wasted.

And then the discomfort comes.

I don't know how to fit it all in. I don't even know what is ambition and what is calling. I can't make sense of all the things in me. The dreams don't fit into predictable categories.

I sit tired with a grinding dread . I stop dreaming or slow down at least. Overwhelmed at the task of making space for it all.

I got raw and real with God this morning on this issue. I got very uncomfortable and acknowledged that I have no control. When I try to take control is when I begin to fall apart. Because I cannot make anything happen on my own.

I have to trust that the future is in His hands. Not just the bad and scary stuff, but the good stuff too. The dreams and hopes.

I have to trust that God knows what to do with me. I am not overwhelming to Him. In His Kingdom there is room for me. All of me.

Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; He's the one that will keep you on track...

Proverbs 3:5-6 (MSG)