How To Start By Stopping
Just throw me a bone. No, wait. Throw me a skeleton.
I'm not entirely sure why I said those words this morning, but I did. This little soul needed to talk to God about some things. Sheets of paper full of scribbles sat on my lap. Words bouncing emotion heavenward as I filled the pages.
So many things I feel perplexed by. Unsure how to move on because, to be honest, it's been a while now. A while since I've really felt 100% on track. So much of my personal life is exactly where I want it to be. But then there are the black sheep of my dreams. Knock-down-drag-out fights to keep my head above water. An adoption journey that is nearing five years, anxiety over some health scares and all the little things I keep waiting on.
It is the slow kind of burn.
That is what passion feels like sometimes. A slow burn that taunts. And this morning I'd had enough. "God, just throw me a bone. No, wait. Throw me a skeleton.". Some days a bone doesn't quite seem like enough. Some days you need more.
I received this email today from a reader and I am sharing an excerpt with permission:
"... I struggle with feeling like I'm late to the party, because it seems like everyone around me has things they're really good at and really passionate about. And my life just feels like a big blank canvas. Which is both really exciting and really terrifying at the same time..."
This theme. On repeat.
In my inbox and during my Storm Sessions. So much going on internally with no idea how it plays out. What goes on the canvas? Why is everyone so much further ahead of me? How do I get there from here?
And even when God gives us a bone we don't have the slightest idea of what to do with it. Passions that don't seem to go together. A life that seems so out of reach. Elusive perceptions of self. Yet all the other people seem further along. Or at least they are moving which is more than we can say on some days.
It's just like X Ambassadors say, "Hold on to me 'cause I'm a little unsteady."
This ain't no lie. Wobbly feet and smudged streaks as we weakly try to convey what we think God is doing in us. We feel it in our bones. The desire to run hard and fast. To get what is inside onto the outside.
Sometimes you start by stopping.
For all the moving and shaking we want to do. All the colors we want to confidently fling onto that canvas - we just don't see the picture yet. Run a million miles in a day if you want, but if the destination isn't marked then you are just a million miles more lost. And for all the pounding fists and late night wondering, the picture doesn't always come at the speed we'd like.
That's when life demands we do something so counterintuitive it is almost painful. We stop.
We've just got to stop.
Think. Be. Absorb. Develop.
Let the picture come to life in our imaginations. Be okay with the blurry vision as we figure it out. As we figure ourselves out. Who are we really - deep down in the core? That screaming voice inside calling out our passion - what is it saying? Who are we hardwired to become?
So, we stop. And hold onto God for dear life in the process because it's messy even on the best days.
One day we will look back and realize that these are the most beautiful of days.
The days when we became.
The days when our bones turned into skeletons that carried us to the places we dream of over the horizon.
As hard as these days are. As much as we want time to pass so we can just figure this whole thing out already. These aren't the days that are holding us back. These are the days that launch us forward.
If you are asking God for a skeleton or staring at a blank canvas wondering "What the heck?". Just stop. Breathe. Wait for it. It will come to you. He will bring it. I promise.
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