Am I a myth?
I snapped this pic from the second story of a bus in London last week.
Our bus was stopped at an intersection a few blocks from Trafalgar Square and my eyes landed on this meeting happening inside the building next to us. Just a small ornate oval window between our two worlds.
Shivering in the cold rain outside, I watched. Wondered. Wow. They must really be someone. I'm sure it is a myth I created when I visited London for the first time at age 13. But to me, the city is magic and only the fairest of them all get to live there. I, however, was just a wet tourist watching out in the rain. Just an invisible little Liz in the Land of Somebodys.
Fast forward to this week. Today one of my best friends said to me through tears, " I am just so, so tired of feeling invisible."
Aren't we all.
This past month I have had to face some of my old ghosts. I am a girl with big dreams. Spunky, feisty and an independent thinker. I've always wanted to be the girl next door. Everyone likes her. She is nice. Her house is a revolving door and her birthday parties are full of friends. Because she is that girl.
And maybe that girl is a myth too. But I dream of being her. Instead I have sharp edges. Good for poking and prodding change. Breaking new ground but also cutting people if I'm not careful. Warm and fuzzy comes at infrequent intervals. And that bothers me. I want to be warm and fuzzy.
I dream of being "sweet".
Looking at my future I see all the things I feel are in me to do. Imagining myself at age 50 engaged in the spheres I long to influence at high levels. That is when the flutters start.
Deep in my gut. The breaths get caught in my throat. Is that girl a myth? Like the people in that office in London. How do I get there being so broken down? With all my imperfections, fears, mediocre attempts... Can that version of me really exist?
Or you? What if you are a myth? What are we to do?
I've wrestled with it for most of the afternoon. What if who I aspire to be isn't possible? What if I am not really the person who crosses the finish line in the end? What if I train even when it kills me, run despite the pounding rain, see the finish line as the inspiring music montage swells... only to lose. No one makes movies about that girl.
But I guess that is the thing about life. We can't see past all the twists and turns. We will never know what the future version of ourself is capable of. Heck, God has used some unlikely people in the past. Why not us?
So we just live bravely. Believing the best in ourselves and others. Hoping in a God who lets us play a part in a story that is so much bigger than the best versions of ourselves. Most of all, I guess we just keep risking. Risking on seeing people for who they are capable of becoming. The "myths" that are just a few sharp edges away from reality.
We may not end up being our "myths". In fact, I hope we don't.
I hope we haven't even imagined our best. You and I are so much bigger than ideal versions of ourselves. We are forces of nature wrapped up in skin and messy thoughts. Dangerous at times but oh-so-beautiful to watch in full force.
We are things of wonder and that's why we just can't figure ourselves out sometimes. So fall apart or yell at the top of your lungs. God is bigger than us and He doesn't deal in myths. Just a come-as-you-are Love.