The Uncomfortable Thing That Made Me Cry
When I began planning my posts for An Uncomfortable January, I intentionally left this topic out. It was just too uncomfortable for me to go there. In fact, I've rarely written about it at all. It is like a small, sacred part of me that carries so much emotion it scares me sometimes.
I have two amazing kids that bring me such joy, but motherhood also has a painful side for me. A side that keeps me crying silently to sleep sometimes. A side that causes me to weep even as I am writing now.
You see, I am not only mom to Sophie & Tait. I am also mom to two children in Africa. We haven't met each other yet. I have a son named Ford and a daughter named Etta. I've never seen their faces in a picture, but it is as if I see them everywhere I go.
I carry the idea of them into each calendar year. Hoping. Praying. Waiting.
Three years ago we began the process of adoption from Uganda. It has been three long & hard years. I talk about adoption all the time, read adoption blogs & pray for them each day. However, I rarely really engage with the heartache it has brought me. It just hurts.
But, today I took time to get really uncomfortable. To let the emotions unwind from the expectations...
I had no idea it would take three years. And we still are waiting...
I started when my daughter was 3 and my son was 1 because I wanted my kids to grow up close in age. Instead there will be about 6 years separating my two daughters. That makes me sad and frustrated. I wanted them to play hopscotch together, to learn to ride bikes together and to go to proms together.
It is no one's fault the adoption has dragged on so long. Our agency has been amazing. Uganda is a beautiful country who bears no fault in my pain. Really, it is God's fault. This is the really uncomfortable part for me.
Why did God initiate with us to start this process three years ago? Did He not realize that He was going to lead us to move states twice? Didn't He know we would have to do our paperwork over each time? Why did He let us hope fresh? Why did He let us waste money?
Why does He let it hurt so bad? I know there are thousands of people waiting in the same process, but this is my story and it is my pain.
Doesn't He know that I wanted my girls to play house together? Doesn't He know that I want my sons to dig for bugs together in the back yard? Didn't He know of my plan to avoid such an age gap between my biological and adopted kids?
It hurts to long for something. It hurts to wait, and wait, and wait. Why is it taking us three years and counting when other families seem to adopt at a rapid pace?
Why isn't it fair?
This is the uncomfortable part for me: There is no answer to these questions.
God hasn't answered any of my questions. He has simply been there. Sitting with me when I cry. Giving me faith to pray for them every morning. He feels the pain I can't express.
God hasn't answered my questions, but He has answered me. He has answered my need for hope. My need for faith. He holds me. And He holds them...in a land far, far away.
He is God and I am not. Even though I think my plan is better...it isn't. I need Him, I need His plan and His timing. I don't know why, maybe I never will. But His ways are higher than my ways.
So, if you are like me, uncomfortably waiting and painfully believing that something is bound to get better...take heart. Be of good cheer. He is a God who doesn't let the dreams die, who doesn't let the shadows drown out the joy.
He is good. Even when it hurts.